How can I know if what I’m experiencing and feeling is mania or a spiritual awakening process? It’s a question I don’t have an answer to, and it leaves me very confused, because it feels like both.
I understand, I will try my best to answer this question.
Back in 2023, when I was in my first and only a manic state / having psychotic episodes, it was very clear to me that this was happening. I vividly remember when I had my first psychotic thought. I was sitting on the couch, like any other day. And then a thought came into my head: “Go to the bedroom.”
The thought was like a command. But it was a command that I obeyed. And then it continued: I had these thoughts that felt more like commands or instructions coming from what I perceived as God.
Yes, based on my own experience, I believe it is BOTH.
Initially, there seems to be some kind of manic/psychotic event, similar to what I imagine ayahuasca or other hallucinogens might produce.
Afterward, even while medicated, there is still “something” happening in my mind. Something very spiritual, in fact.
I believe daily meditation is essential for everyone, but especially for those with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc. It truly helps calm the mind and better understand what is happening.
What medications do I take? Do they help me?
The medication I’m currently taking is 2.5 mg of Olanzapine and 750 mg of Lithium. This is the minimum amount I can take without experiencing adverse effects. When I left the psychiatric hospital, I was taking higher doses of both medications. Over the course of a year, with the help of my doctor, I gradually reduced them — and today, these are my current dosages.
Yes, they do help me. I tried reducing them further, but I experienced adverse effects when I did. When I lower the Olanzapine more, I start hearing very aggressive music in my head. When I lower the Lithium, I start having suicidal/negative thoughts.
Practicing meditation daily has helped me a lot in recognizing these kinds of negative psychotic effects when adjusting my medication.
How do you know you are speaking to Jesus Christ? Didn’t people question you about that or say that it could be some kind of delusion or psychosis? And what reasons do you have that prove it’s Jesus Christ — if it’s something real and not something from your own mind?
That’s a very good question.
Before my manic episode in 2023, I had been an atheist my entire life. From a very young age, I didn’t believe in anything. I saw life like a switch — it turns on when you’re born and turns off when you die.
About a week after returning from the psychiatric hospital — while still on a high dose of all my medications — I continued hearing voices in my head. Very intense voices. Intense enough to drive anyone crazy if it lasted too long.
I was desperate. I asked my wife (who was Catholic at the time) what I should do. She told me to pray to Jesus.
So even though I didn’t believe in him… I prayed. I had nothing to lose.
“Jesus, please make the voices go away” — that was my prayer.
As soon as I did that, all the voices stopped.
Only one voice remained.
A sweet, calm, comforting voice. A voice I could actually live with.
I referred to that voice as God or Jesus — going back and forth between the two.
In my mind, almost like telepathy, I would ask this voice questions. I’d ask for opinions about things in my daily life, what I should do, how I should act.
And the voice always responded.
I lived like that for about 3 months.
Until one night, after my prayer of gratitude, the voice spoke to me and said:
“It seems like you’re confused about WHO you’re speaking to… THIS IS CHRIST.”
I felt a strange calm take over my body.
After that, I felt a “presence” in my room. A presence I can only describe as the most powerful and important being that has ever existed in this universe.
That presence stayed in my room for about 10 minutes… and then disappeared.
That was how I felt I was dealing with something real.
I believe many people have experiences with Jesus — this was simply mine.
This experience only happened once. I never felt that presence again.
It was extremely profound… and I will never forget it.